April 5, 2010

I had no idea this would hurt so much

I took my test this morning before work. Perhaps that is why I tossed and turned all night. I feel like I hardly slept. I didn't even want to test, I was enjoying the hope I clung to. This was the first month I really hoped Aunt Flow wouldn't come. The first two months I was scared she wouldn't and prayed for her arrival, I'd stare at the calendar almost pleading for her arrival. At my best guess of when she "should" arrive I am about 4 days late this morning with no signs of her. So I tested, deciding to give into all my hope I even used an expensive test. It was negative almost immediately. I jumped in the shower, trying not to make "eye" contact with it, clinging even harder to my last ounce of hope. When I got out there it was, a single line. Good grief it hurt! I put in gently in the trash and went about getting ready for the day somberly. I even had a few moments alone in the living room, just me and the morning news before my dearly loved hubby arose. I felt sorta numb and didn't know how to tell him. I must be honest in saying I didn't tell him I was going to test, he knew I would by the end of the week but this time he didn't pressure me to. Perhaps he was clinging to the same hope. I got dressed and headed back to the bathroom to finish straightening my hair in my normal routine, he came in to brush his teeth. I glanced at him and meekly said "so I tested...." He could tell right away. He is such a strong guy, he rubbed my back, saying "we haven't been trying that long, it will happen." He could see I was starting to cry, as I am now. I'm so thankful that he totally gets me and can be there for me without making some big speech.

It's been sorta a hard day, I even procrastinated telling my best friend. I love her and tell her EVERYTHING, but saying it made it more real. She understood my sadness and supported me, even though I blurted it out (on instant messenger) when she was telling me about something. I still sorta feel like a jerk, so self centered. Thank the Lord she is so understanding!

I have not lost all hope, it does not matter to me if our baby is born in 2011, this sadness will pass. V. and E. are right, we haven't been trying all that long, I guess I got my hopes up about a Christmas baby. I keep tearing up.....sigh.....

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could comfort you better. The feeling you have when you see that little line must be devastating. I know how hard you hope and pray. But, as I always say, that little egg just wasn't good enough for my best friend! So! On to the next one! Keep your chin up and it will happen before ya know it. Love you so!