April 27, 2010

Change of Pace

Yesterday morning I would have told you it felt like everything is crawling (in the baby making department) then I spoke to my dr.'s assistant about what is going on. After explaining to her that I haven't had so much as a single spot in 2 months and do not believe I am pregnant she proceeded to respond, oh so carefully but with a level of concern in her voice. She scheduled me for a blood pregnancy test at 4pm today and "if that comes back negative we will send you over for more testing." I could tell she was trying her best to be upbeat and gentle, clearly I'm not the first woman she's had this conversation with. I tried to remain calm and ingest all the info she gave me, despite the fact there wasn't much to ingest I was trying so hard to focus and not burst out crying on the phone. My emotions have been slightly unpredictable lately and the last thing I wanted to do was bawl to her.

And then I got off the phone, thank God my boss and all of my coworkers had left the office for the day cuz I let 'er rip for a minute. I'm afraid, afraid of the unknown...I have no clue where this road leads next and it suddenly feels like everything is moving at worp seed. Thankfully I have my best friend on IM almost constantly and she was there for me, as she always is, she is AMAZING and was able to be more level-headed than I in this moment. I am sure I sounded like hell when I called to tell my boss, he is such a great and understanding man, it's easy to tell him most things and in the past I have but this I am unwilling to share...at least for now. He clued into the fact that something was wrong earlier in the day and offered a ear should I need, I declined. Since I have to leave early and he'll be out of town I called him to let him know I would be "going in for a test tomorrow and need to leave 1 hr early". I cried which lead him to ask if V. would be going, I lied and said yes and reassured him it's not a big scary test and I will be fine I'm just being chicken. In reality V. will not being going with me, I'll be having a simple blood test, I'm sure that I won't find out the results immediately and won't be given a plan of action right then and there, I am a big girl and can handle a simple blood draw alone, at least this time. It occurs to me know that I could have texted the boss (in my work environment it's an acceptable form of communication).

I went home and V. was already there, preparing to mow the lawn. He knew I had called the dr on my lunch. As odd as it sounds I wanted to avoid him for a moment. He's been so excited, I hate that this is not the easy and fun route it gets to be for most (93%) people. I walked up to him right there in the yard and said "I spoke with my dr. and I have to go in for a blood pregnancy test tomorrow, if it's neg they are going to run more tests" with tears flowing from underneath my sunglasses. V. remained calm and said "we have nothing to worry about until we know what is going on." and hugged me. Perhaps mowing the lawn was the time he needed to digest what I had told him. I went inside and washed the remaining makeup from my face and changed into some comfy jeans and a t-shirt and plopped down on the couch, it wasn't long before I fell asleep, the roller coaster had drained me. I woke up long enough to eat and watch a show with V. and retreated to bed and the arms of my beloved.

So I am working away the hours, well I've taken a break to write here to you, if there is any one listening....oh lets face it this blog is for me, it's a sounding board for my roller coaster of emotions, it's a open journal and if someone stumbles upon it and reads so be it.

I have not lost all hope, and I will not allow myself to be defeated by fear. I know that God has this whole thing under his control. I know that he knows the desires of my heart and the desire V. and I both have to be parents. I have hope, faith & trust....I may be afraid but I will not fear.

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