April 26, 2010

I am so damn sad today (raw)

Please excuse the following wallow in self pity.

Today is cycle day 59 with nothing, not so much as a single spot. My cycles keep getting longer and longer (cycle 1=35 days, cycle 2=42, now I'm at 59 days). I'm really scared. Really scared. I'm so afraid my worst nightmare is coming true....can I have children? Heck not even childREN (plural), I will take just one....just one pregnancy, just one child....that is all I ask. I hate not knowing.

You might think I'm a jerk, after all we've only been trying 4 months. However when I was 17 I had wacky cycles (mostly really heavy periods), my doctor at the time was a wacko herself, but she told me I may have PCOS and put me on birth control to deal with my periods. I spent the last 10 years seeking out all the info in the world to convince myself I don't have it. Flash forward 10 years to December 2009: I saw my current doctor, she said she felt I probably didn't have it since I don't exhibit any symptoms (clearly since I had been on birth control for 10 years we didn't know about my cycles). Now here I sit after nearly 2 months without so much as a spot (not to mention that my last two cycles were moderate spotting at best, yes I spoke to the dr on this she said that was fine.)

Add to that, this morning I was checking my facebook and a dear friend is pregnant with baby #2 (baby #1 was conceived on their first cycle and is only 6 months old). I am a sad, useless mess!

Add to that I have "advice" coming at me from all sides and none of it is the same. I'm trying to hard to take this whole journey one day and one step at a time but I suck at it. I don't want to wait another 30 days to see if my period shows, what if that is what happens to me for the next year? So I'll have 4 chances this year of getting pregnant?!!? I just want to bawl my eyes out.


  1. Hang in there! Take comfort in what your doc says, and communicate as often with her as you need. She'll know the real advice from the bad advice. :) I love you! Stay strong!

  2. i hear you. that's all. no advice or pat responses. i HEAR you. i'm listening.