January 25, 2010

A Deep Thought to Share with You....

The other day I was cleaning the home V. and I share with our dogger and I heard a song come on that said "I'm just a realistic man" and I said to myself "me too dude." Like lightening another thought struck me "does this "realistic-ness" keep my faith from growing the way it should??"

Allow me a moment to explain my background: I was legally emancipated by the state I live in on my 16th Birthday, after a lifetime of abuse from my father and neglect from my mother. I have been on my own since. Most people tell me I am surprisingly well adjusted considering what I have gone through, I try to take that as a compliment. As a child and young adult I never once heard about Jesus, church or anything of the sort. Only in my early twenties did I find Jesus and accept him into my life as my savior. BUT.....it's difficult for me, I am a realistic person, a skeptic even. When you are 16, 17, 18 years old and on your own you tend to not trust...anyone. It's safer that way, if you always are looking for ulterior motives you don't get hurt as often or burned as easily. So to trust in a savior has not been the easiest of tasks for me. Further more to trust in GOD as my "father" who only wants well for me.... has been a challenge. Do not misunderstand me, I whole-heartedly believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth in human form to sacrifice himself so that I may have eternal life, it's the earthly life that leaves me in limbo. I spent a good portion of my life just surviving, not trusting easily, quickly or well. To this day I still will wonder what someones ulterior motive is for their actions. I still look for the "real" reason, what isn't being said, ya know? On the flip side I consider myself to be pretty compassionate, I understand what it is like to be down and out and certainly without, although I have never been homeless.

I guess what I am saying is that I know I need to rely on my faith much more, no longer am I that young girl on her own and against the world. Only now do I realize I was never really alone, my Jesus was always there-I just didn't know him yet and couldn't see him and feel him the way I do now. No longer is there a reason for my "safety net" of skepticism. I am surrounded by my amazing husband and in-laws, and wonderful friends. I must shed my skepticism and do more of what a tattoo on my lower left foot says in Chinese "to trust in, rely on and believe in God and Heaven."

So are you being to realistic?

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