An Update I Don't Want to Give.....

I'm not pregnant. I know, I know it's only the first month but I'm still sad. I've taken several tests, because I've only spotted since my last full period almost 8 weeks ago. Every single test was glaringly negative. I guess it's better that they are clearly negative rather than giving me a glimmer of hope.

I'm a realistic woman, I realize it could take us up to a year to get pregnant, and further more that it might take professional help for that to happen for us. But as the days pass the desire for a baby of my own grows and grows. The other day a one of the women in my company came into our office to officially terminate her position and become a stay at home mom and I got to hold her 7 week old little girl. I was in heaven, I couldn't help but look at my reflection holding her. It's funny to me that a little more than 6 months ago I would have said it would be another year or so before we even thought about having children. Life can change so quickly! It's been really fun to watch V. get excited and say sweet things, he's so supportive and wonderful. He has even already selected a baby name if it's a girl (when we do get pregnant). It melts my heart just thinking about the day I will tell our child "your daddy named you before you were even in my belly." (I won't share it just yet.) He is going to be an amazing father!

I'm working hard to stay positive, so far there is no evidence that we can't have children on our own. I keep reminding myself of my favorite verse Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not [yet] seen." I glance down at a beat up old ring I've worn for about 5 years, it's actually the second one I've had. I started wearing it on my left ring finger when I knew V. was the one and moved it to my right hand ring finger after we were married. It reads on the inside "I will wait for..." and on the outside it reads "my beloved". That is exactly what I will do, I will wait on the Lord to provide me with my beloved baby.

Superwife?

I don't know about you but sometimes I feel like I have to be Superwife. Not because my husband expects me to but more so I feel like I have to do it all-all the time. So my craziness is self imposed, what a way to discover this! LOL! After working 8 hours I feel like I have to go home and make dinner and have a clean home-super clean. Not to mention I am studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer so I have to study at night and of course workout. How exhausting!! This whole mess leads to one tired wife-lady and a cranky one at that. Often times I feel like I get no "me" time, but it's also my own fault, no one is asking me for a home cooked meal and spotless house everyday. V. has told me over and over that he is happy to make his own dinner and that the house doesn't always need to be super clean.
Sometimes I wish I could be messier, but our little rental is just that little. With two adults and one 19lb dogger it gets very messy very fast. I feel like I can't think when it's cluttered and just overall dirty, I have to do a little everyday just to keep up. I know what you are thinking, yep V. is a messy man. He does help me out but I often have to pull him away from the tv or his video games, in all fairness he works all day at a physically demanding job while I sit at my desk and face a mentally exhausting tasks.
So I am starting today going to make changes to my routine in order to allow for more studying and "me" time. I will start using the crock pot more often (dinner for tonight is already in there) and will sit and watch the shows I enjoy without running around cleaning/cooking etc during commercials. Also I am going to delegate more chores to V. with a timeline of when would be most helpful that they are completed. Hopefully these small steps will lead to a much less stressed wife-lady.

A Deep Thought to Share with You....

The other day I was cleaning the home V. and I share with our dogger and I heard a song come on that said "I'm just a realistic man" and I said to myself "me too dude." Like lightening another thought struck me "does this "realistic-ness" keep my faith from growing the way it should??"

Allow me a moment to explain my background: I was legally emancipated by the state I live in on my 16th Birthday, after a lifetime of abuse from my father and neglect from my mother. I have been on my own since. Most people tell me I am surprisingly well adjusted considering what I have gone through, I try to take that as a compliment. As a child and young adult I never once heard about Jesus, church or anything of the sort. Only in my early twenties did I find Jesus and accept him into my life as my savior. BUT.....it's difficult for me, I am a realistic person, a skeptic even. When you are 16, 17, 18 years old and on your own you tend to not trust...anyone. It's safer that way, if you always are looking for ulterior motives you don't get hurt as often or burned as easily. So to trust in a savior has not been the easiest of tasks for me. Further more to trust in GOD as my "father" who only wants well for me.... has been a challenge. Do not misunderstand me, I whole-heartedly believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth in human form to sacrifice himself so that I may have eternal life, it's the earthly life that leaves me in limbo. I spent a good portion of my life just surviving, not trusting easily, quickly or well. To this day I still will wonder what someones ulterior motive is for their actions. I still look for the "real" reason, what isn't being said, ya know? On the flip side I consider myself to be pretty compassionate, I understand what it is like to be down and out and certainly without, although I have never been homeless.

I guess what I am saying is that I know I need to rely on my faith much more, no longer am I that young girl on her own and against the world. Only now do I realize I was never really alone, my Jesus was always there-I just didn't know him yet and couldn't see him and feel him the way I do now. No longer is there a reason for my "safety net" of skepticism. I am surrounded by my amazing husband and in-laws, and wonderful friends. I must shed my skepticism and do more of what a tattoo on my lower left foot says in Chinese "to trust in, rely on and believe in God and Heaven."

So are you being to realistic?

My Vows.

I, me, take you, V. to be my husband.
I pledge to share my life truthfully and openly with you.
I promise, furthermore to love, honor, obey and tenderly care for you in all circumstances of life-until through death we part.
I promise to give myself to you alone and encourage your own growth.
I will strive to seek GOD’s enrichment and blessing for our life together.
I will always hold sacred the commitment I make today-this is my solemn vow.

These are my vows, I said them to V. almost 2 years ago. I mean them more and more with everyday that we are married. I think of our vows very often, but espeically when we fight. Because I said "I promise to love, honor, obey and tenderly care for you, in ALL circumstances of life-until through death we part". And I take that very seriously. I didn't say I would love V. only when it was easy or only until it wasn't fun anymore, but is ALL circumstances. Most of the time it is both easy and fun, but I am sure V. would agree we are both strong, stubborn people-and not always the easiest to love all the time. I'm sure I am stating the obvious here but marriage is work too, it takes effort, trust, dedication, communitation and love.

Our wedding verse, like ten million other couples was:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I also reflect on this often, again especially when we fight. "Love is not rude, love is not easily angered, it holds no record of wrong doings....love never fails."

When V. and I do fight, which is not often but it happens, I tend either shut down or find someplace else to go. I am not running away from anything but I have a strick policy of not saying things out of anger. When you say hurtful things, even when you don't mean them they still hurt the other person. I believe in forgive and forget but I know how hard it is to forget when someone really hurts your feelings. So I have lived by this "do not speak out of anger" policy for many years, not to say I haven't broken it and said something stupid since then but I work hard not to. It's really important to me to be able to review my feelings and to keep my emotions in check instead of letting a heated discussion get out of hand and hurting someone I care deeply for. Anger is such a waste of energy. So like I said I often leave the house when V. and I fight to clear my head, I promise you I don't get more than a block or two away before that verse and my vows pop back into my head. "love is patient, love is kind, love holds no record of wrong doing, love is not easily angered", and "I promise to tenderly care for you in all circumstances of life". That is when I pick up the phone and at least say "I may be mad but I love you, I'll be home in a little bit." And most of the time just thinking about my vows and our verse will be enough to calm me down and I return home to calmly discuss what need to be.

I love my husband greatly, and I've been in enough severly unhealthy relationships to know the quality of man I have. But we are both still human, so I guess my point it, this is what helps me get through the rough moments and arguements. <3

A Successful Sneak Attack on V.

V. will have another birthday this weekend. What you don't know is that he is very shy and doesn't like even the smallest amount of attention.....but it's his birthday and I just want to celebrate that he came into this world!!! So for weeks I've been plotting with two of my guy friends from the small group we attend through our local church. Long story short I was able to sneak a cake into J's house before we arrived for our weekly hang out. At the very end of the night J gave me the go ahead to tell everyone that V.'s bday was this weekend and how I wanted to wish him a "Happy Birthday" with our friends, J's wife brought in the cake with candles and all! It was PRICELESS! V was so surprised and very happy and the cake was super yummy! Sweet success!

Putting My Financial Foot Down!

I love my husband beyond the use of human language, really I do. When we got married he asked me to be in charge of our finances, and it was fine with me. However, I have not been as diligent as I need to be. He has wanted plenty of toys over the last two years and I've really been spineless about it, or maybe lazy is a better term. We both work hard but do not make a ton of money, we need to budget and save so we can achieve our collective dreams and goals.Well I went home last night and put my financial foot down, in a nice way. I told him that he had assigned me this role so that we could be financially sound and achieve said goals and now it was time to completely let go and let me do my job well. We are now officially on a budget, one that sets aside one of my paychecks per month and focuses on paying down and getting rid of our debt (we have very little other than my student loans) and saving up for our someday baby. My husband was wonderful, he was more than happy to move forward with this new plan. I know there will be bumps and we won't always meet those goals but we are going to try, hard, together and that is what matters most to me!