It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Goodbye Morning Nap, Hello Molars!

Holy Smokes, it's true when they say your child(ren) grow up so fast!  It feels like just yesterday Liam couldn't hold up his own head how he's a running fool!

A few weeks ago Liam started to transition out of his morning nap and like all other things so far we've let him take the lead on being ready or not.  He was clearly ready, so we had Nanna (who watches him 4 days/week) encourage it a little.  Within just two weeks he was fully transitioned, we had one little set back when he wasn't feeling so great but now we are clear on the side of no return.  And ya know what?  I'm so happy!  I know a lot of parents morn the loss of the morning nap because they fit in more "me" time or clean or whatnot and I certainly did use it as "me" time on Saturdays.  BUT this whole single two hour nap in the middle of the day is delightful!  We can leave the house for more than two hours at a time, why hello going to church!  Liam is clearly happy with the change as well.  It makes fitting a weekend workout in a little trickier for me but it's ok, I'd rather have the extra time with Liam anyway.

And in similar news the kid has a mouth full of teeth!  Seriously!  I had no idea this is how teething went!  He started in March and it's been pretty much back to back teeth!  Now he's getting molars! Molars! What?!  He doesn't seem old enough for this business!  The poor little guy, man they tell you molars are a b---h and they are!  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he'd been so incredibly grumpy lately then I stuck my finger in his mouth, because that is what moms do....and hello THREE molars trying to come in (one had at least broken through the skin and two others are super puffy).  Duh Jen!  Gosh I felt like a bad mom, all my kiddo wanted was teething tablets!!!  And he was a saint after I gave them to him.  This whole parenting thing sure has a learning curve!

Doing Good & Running

I've wanted to get a few more races in this fall before the snow starts to fly and I'm trapped inside for months on end.  I  SO was excited when my bestie wanted to do a local 5k that benefited women who can't afford breast cancer screenings and treatment.  Last weekend we ran that 5k together and it was awesome!  We arrived bright and early, I had hoped to run the 5k with Liam in the stroller but he had started to get a cold and it was only 25 degreed that morning....no race for little Liam.  There were 1,100 women almost all of whom were dressed up, Bestie and I were Batman and Superman respectively.  We had a good time considering she recently had jaw surgery and currently had a cold (final time 34:15).  After the race we took our turn in the photo booth, got some snacks and just hung around.  What a lovely Saturday morning!

The next charitable 5k I have planned is in chilly November and it actually put on by the nurses from the Oncology Center I had to visit for my Autoimmune Disease.  The proceeds go to different types of cancer treatment etc.  It feels good to go running but it feels even better knowing the ~$25 registration fee is going to a good cause.

Now if I could just kick this cold and fit in a good run this weekend (probably not going to happen).

Happy Friday!
Much Love,
Jen

Something to Blog About

Gosh, I just haven't been making time to blog lately.  Pretty often I'll have something run through my mind and I'll think that would make a great blog post!  But with everything I've been juggling lately it rarely happens, clearly.

It's a lot to be a working mom, heck it's a lot to just be a mom!  I've always had a lot on my plate, I've always liked being busy...heck I had three jobs while in college full time AND I'd volunteer somewhere regularly AND date V.   All of that seems like cake compared to working full time, managing a household and smashing as much Liam time as I can get into a day, not to mention some "me" time.  Oh yeah then add in looking for a house to buy.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

However I'm not complaining at all.  I have so much to be thankful for.  V and I have come a long way in the last few months, I would never have imagined having a child would be such a challenge to our relationship (especially when we tried hard for that child) but it was, most of the first year was really hard but we finally turned a corner and are doing great again.  Thank God.  We certainly aren't perfect but we are really good together, we love our family and are truly blessed.

On the house search front, we'll it's still a search that is for sure.  You know all those things I mentioned a few paragraphs up about working full time etc?  Well they also happen to make going to look for a house hard too but this weekend we've lined up four more contenders so fingers crossed!  If I remember right two of them are foreclosures which V isn't thrilled about but you never know until you look!

In more upbeat news Liam is amazing!  He's growing up so quickly!  He's a professional walker now, he loves to be outside in the crunchy leaves!  We just had family pictures done and I couldn't be more in love!  We all wore super hero shirts per V's demands request. Liam was Spiderman, I- Wonder Woman naturally and V was Batman (again).  Currently Liam is getting even more teeth (current tally is 9, yes 9 since March!)  Right now his other molar is trying to pop through.  On top of that he and I have been sharing a cold, the poor little guy.  I think we've both about kicked the cold, the next few days should tell.  He's trying really hard to master some new words but his main focus has been books lately.  He will go get a book, wiggle his way into your lap and recline while you read to him (he also likes to turn the pages) then when the story is finishes he'll get up and get another book and repeat.  99% of the time it's adorable, then that 1% of the time when you have to read the same 4 page book 13 times in a row (seriously) not so much.  BUT I'll take it, I'll take whatever I can get from my little guy, every moment is special and fleeting.

Ok well at least I wrote about something.  Now if only I could get a workout in tonight....hmmmm.

Happy Thursday!

We Didn't Get the House

So we submitted an offer on Tuesday evening with the parameters that we would hear back in 24 hours or our offer would become null and void.  24 hours came and went, our realtor tried reaching the seller's realtor over and over saying this was "very odd".  I knew we had gone in low but expected a counter, that was the advice we were given so I was confused when we simple got no response.  Frankly I'd never heard of someone just ignoring an offer (especially when I know we are the only activity on the house).

This morning (Thursday) our realtor awake to a email from 1:30am from the sellers agent, odd indeed.  The seller is choosing to ingore our offer entirely, they gave us an itemized list of "updates/upgrades" the home has and informed us that they value the house $10k above the list price.  WTF?  I could list several reasons why that simply isn't true but the most important one is that our market simply won't command such a price for a home with only a few upgrades (some of which aren't included in the sale of the home).  And apparently the seller got the $8k first time home buyer credit 3 years ago, the rules of that credit say you have to live in the house 3 fill years or repay the $8k, so he's factored that into the price of the house.....yeah we aren't going to pay for your decision to sell.

So V and I are walking away.  I'm sad because we do really like the house but like I've said before it's not even worth the list price and certainly not worth $10k over that (at least not in it's current state with an unfinished basement, no a/c etc etc etc).  That house will set the standard for others we look at and I feel like our journey to home ownership is going to be much longer now but it is what it is.  The chances of us being in a new home before the end of the year at super slim.  But the silver lining is that we will continue to build up our savings and pay down my student loans and everything will work out in God's perfect timing.

Much Love,
Jen 

Home Buying Nervs

This whole process is so crazy!  I've gone between being totally sick to my stomach, to being oddly calm and now back to the sick part.  Our first offer was put in last night about 7pm, it's currently almost 3pm...the seller has four hours (FOUR HOURS) to respond or our offer become null and void.  Why, oh why hasn't he responded!? 
Gulp.

We may have found Home....

I have researched and researched, asked question after question and know almost all there is to know about this house, it's all in line with what we want and can comfortably afford.  V fell in love immediately, I fell in love when we walked through it a few weeks ago.  I look at it online....a lot.  We've prayed a ton and feel like this is the one for us, now we just have to start the negotiations. Last night after work Liam and I met our realtor at the house, I just wanted to stand in it with Liam.  It was so sweet, he was immediately comfortable and quickly starting cruising around the house (which is a one-level plus unfinished basement).

 I've talked it over with those who have far more knowledge about this stuff than I do and they all seem to think we can get it for what we want (which is less than the list price).  Our first offer is on the lower end, we are anticipating a counter and as long as it's about in the middle we will be homeowners by Thanksgiving.  I can hardly believe it.  My only worry is if the seller doesn't need to sell it and can wait it out for a asking price offer, it's a nice home and we sure do love it but it's priced above where we feel is rational (and comfortable).

I've daydreamed of our first holidays there, of walking to the near by park, of having friends over for bbqs/dinners (something we have never done in our rental).  I dream of how we can finish the basement (bedrooms, a family room and spare bathroom as well a the laundry area). My heart leaps a little at the thought of Liam knowing it as the house he grew up in and calls home.  *cue tears*

If you have any spare thoughts/prayers I'd love one for us during this journey!