February 1, 2012

Sanity {Temporarily} Restored

My battle with insurance has not ended, although I can see the end of the road.  Unless something unforeseen happens I will have no choice but to switch doctors, I can not tell you the anxiety this has caused me.  I don't think many people around me understand this stress but I don't expect them too.  I don't expect many people to understand what I'm going through, frankly we are too young for this whole thing.  No one expects this to happen to them, I have no control over it but I have laid it down in my heart, I'm finding peace with what I can, making choices where I can and choosing to accept the outcomes as God's plan.  I'm choosing to accept that I'll have to change doctors, that this new doctor will be the one to treat me when/if my ITP worsens, she will treat it when/if we have more children (the thought of dealing with chronic ITP and a pregnancy let alone delivery terrifies me).  I'm choosing to be joyful that, while I do have a disease that likely will be for the rest of my life and will cause complications, I am not in pain....some days I can even pretend I don't have ITP even if it's for a short bit because I don't have constant/obvious reminders.  I choose to be joyful about this.  I'm finding the most joy in the fact that this is not hereditary, the likelihood that Liam will get it is no greater than anyone of you getting it, joy.  And after all Jer 29:11 say that God has "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  There is joy in the fact that God himself has plans for my future.

I'm also allowing myself more time doing the things that reduce my stress and therefore restore my sanity even if it's only temporary.  Things like organizing, cooking and working out help me feel some sense of calm, control and peace in the midst of this whole crazy thing.  For the most part I can still control the overall health of my body (with healthy meals, working out) and having a tidy and organized home reduces my stress level in general.  V has been really great, he's taking things one day at a time too and helping out each day....I can't tell you how much this means to me.  Monday I went to the gym after work and did 5 miles (jogging), I did not stare at the clock or convince myself to leave early due to mommy-guilt.  I just worked out until I felt done then went home and made a quick but yummy and healthy dinner for us, played with Liam until his bedtime (V and I take turns putting him down and it was V's night).  I took a long hot shower after Liam went to bed and enjoyed some cuddle time with V (because he had cleaned up while I showered).  My soul felt great rest and restoration.

I can't promise I'll always feel so calm and restored but I've decided to allow myself to feel what I need to during this process, no matter how long the process ends up being.  I'm done worrying about what others will think, done trying to please others and listening to the noise that some people put out.  I will focus my energy on doing what is best for me and my family and I will enjoy every happy moment I can with no regrets.  I'm allowed to be scared, allowed to worry, allowed to make the choices that are best for me and my family. 

Much Love,

1 comment:

  1. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to adjust. It is hard to find out something like this and to realize it could be with you the rest of your life. Very scary. No one can really understand what you are going through. But we all love you and want the best for you. I believe there is a reason why things happen the way they do. There is a reason why you have to change doctors and - God - knows why. Believe and relax and just be. Love, Kit