I had no idea this would hurt so much

I took my test this morning before work. Perhaps that is why I tossed and turned all night. I feel like I hardly slept. I didn't even want to test, I was enjoying the hope I clung to. This was the first month I really hoped Aunt Flow wouldn't come. The first two months I was scared she wouldn't and prayed for her arrival, I'd stare at the calendar almost pleading for her arrival. At my best guess of when she "should" arrive I am about 4 days late this morning with no signs of her. So I tested, deciding to give into all my hope I even used an expensive test. It was negative almost immediately. I jumped in the shower, trying not to make "eye" contact with it, clinging even harder to my last ounce of hope. When I got out there it was, a single line. Good grief it hurt! I put in gently in the trash and went about getting ready for the day somberly. I even had a few moments alone in the living room, just me and the morning news before my dearly loved hubby arose. I felt sorta numb and didn't know how to tell him. I must be honest in saying I didn't tell him I was going to test, he knew I would by the end of the week but this time he didn't pressure me to. Perhaps he was clinging to the same hope. I got dressed and headed back to the bathroom to finish straightening my hair in my normal routine, he came in to brush his teeth. I glanced at him and meekly said "so I tested...." He could tell right away. He is such a strong guy, he rubbed my back, saying "we haven't been trying that long, it will happen." He could see I was starting to cry, as I am now. I'm so thankful that he totally gets me and can be there for me without making some big speech.

It's been sorta a hard day, I even procrastinated telling my best friend. I love her and tell her EVERYTHING, but saying it made it more real. She understood my sadness and supported me, even though I blurted it out (on instant messenger) when she was telling me about something. I still sorta feel like a jerk, so self centered. Thank the Lord she is so understanding!

I have not lost all hope, it does not matter to me if our baby is born in 2011, this sadness will pass. V. and E. are right, we haven't been trying all that long, I guess I got my hopes up about a Christmas baby. I keep tearing up.....sigh.....

A song I love & don't agree with.....

The following is a small piece of a song I heard this morning that I find rather catchy:


I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin, I just prayed to a God I don't believe in, cuz I got time while she got freedom, when a heart breaks, no it don't break even....what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you, what am I supposed to say when I'm all chocked up and your ok, I'm falling to pieces (repeat) when a heart breaks no it don't break even.


I'm torn. I like it, I really like it and I find it really catchy, however, I do not agree it a portion of it. "I just prayed to a God I don't believe in". I don't know what to do with that. My mind wonders wildly trying to make sense of and interpret it.


Mostly I think to myself, "how does that work?!" Allow me to explain: my dog, say I don't believe in her yet I talk to her, let her out for a tinkle and feed her. It makes no sense! The mere fact that I spoke to her states that I do in fact believe in her! I get that they are lyrics but music is such a big part of my life, songs lead me to memories of different times (past, present and thoughts of the future) and I have to believe for the writers and other listeners have significant meanings as well!


I'm still perplexed. Let me state that it is not because of my faith, although I can't imagine living my life thinking God does not exist. I've been through some really bad times, and hard years and when I review them, and the mere fact that I lived through them, it is hard evidence for me that God does indeed exist presently in each of our lives. Allow me a moment to step off my soapbox.


Ok. I've been through some crazy bad breakups, I am guessing that is what this guy (the singer) is taking about. Perhaps he is so broken/sad he is questioning all he knows to be true, and in a moment of frustration he doubted his faith (or lack thereof) and cried out or prayed. Hmmm... I sort of wish I could speak to the writer of this song and ask him/her what they meant. Or maybe they wanted it to be thought provoking!!! Hmm!


What do you think?

Phantom Symptoms

Well this month I have the widest yet of "phantom symptoms" meaning they may just all be in my head. I am exhausted, utterly exhausted. I feel barfy and my head really hurts, add to that my sense of smell being through the roof (this is standard for me) and yep I have yet again convinced myself I'm pregnant. Aunt flow is "scheduled" to arrive on Saturday and I'm hoping I can hold out and test on Wednesday or Friday but we all know how great I am at waiting....yes I suck at it. I still feel hopeful, then again I have every month until I take the stupid pee test and the one line reminds me that no, there is in deed no little baby in your uterus. It hurts, I didn't know I would be so saddened by the sight of the single line but I hate it. I want so much to see that second line and have my heart (and eyes) overflow, to have the hopes and dreams of a little one burst into reality. I want to run screaming from the bathroom to V. and yell "you are gonna be a DADDY!" Now I do not want to take a test at all, I still want to put my head on my desk and give in to the exhaustion I feel, but I don't want to loose this hopeful feeling I have going on. I don't want the sadness to come and the waiting to continue.
Please Lord, if it is your will, please-please-please let the next test I take be positive.