Sometimes the Truth hurts.

Yesterday V and I went to church, like we do most Sundays. We've been going to the same church since before we started dating (that was early 2005). It's a good place that has become home and family for both of us. All churches experience growth, good times and bad and change and through it all we've always felt like it was the place for us. Even when the senior pastor changed and a good portion of the staff was laid off due to the recession. We can trust the staff and believe whole hearted in what is taught there. I guess what I'm trying to say is I always hear something, every weekend that makes me grow a little and we think that is super important in any church or place of worship.

This weekend was no exception. Our pastor spoke on James 5:7-11 and the message was about struggling and how sometimes you have to struggle to learn what God whats you to and to achieve his plan for you. I won't lie, part of me was like "??" But as our pastor went on to explain; struggling can be about active patience like a farmer with grain (not picking it too early so that you will benefit most from the fully rip grain stock), it's about nurturing and waiting and growing and then when the time is right you are harvested and fulfill what is planned for you. But another part of that is not grumbling and how grumbling (or complaining) is considered sinful. Again I was like "??" but when you grumble and complain you are really questioning God's will, plan and ultimately God himself. Also you are grumbling against those who have NOTHING to do with your suffering. (flash to me remembering grumbling about "she's pregnant now, how unfair!" and the message hits home). Instead of grumbling you need to humble yourself and wait on God's will and perfect timing.

Just another time where God is reinforcing that this TTC road V and I are on is his will. It's hard but we must remember not to grumble but to humbly turn to God and pray and wait for him to reveal his perfect timing when he will make us parents. (please note we believe God can and does act through modern medicine so we will still be going for testing in Oct and if treatment is recommended we will pray about it and do it if we feel it is right.)

I won't lie that message stung a little but I think sometimes the truth has to hurt to make us grow, ya know. I hope this touches you like it did me, and if you want a link to the actual message I would be glad to send that to you so you can get the full effect and not just my brief overview.

A year ago this weekend...

I apologize in advance if this is poorly written, it comes straight from my heart and I have choose not to edit it. Warning, this is a very sad story. love, Jen

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As I drove home tonight from yoga it occurred to me, how could I forget, it's a year ago this weekend that this whole journey V and I are on started.

One year ago this weekend I walked into the ICU with V to see his coworker who had a very serious accident at work and (long story short) I ran into a very old friend whom I'd long lost touch with. From out of no where she called out to me, I turned around (not yet knowing it was her) and saw her crying so hard. She barely whispered "Jen, it's Jamie.....she's dying, all the family are on the way, we need you."
Here's the thing, I'd long lost touch with all these people years ago, they were my childhood friends and we'd simply lost touch. Within hours Jamie's mom, aunt and sister where in from around the state and the country. Soon all of her family would assemble. I was unsure if anyone would recognize me, I'd try to meet their gaze as they walked up to me, each of them knew immediately who I was and would literally cry out "Jen" and fall into my arms. These are people who saw me through my worst times of childhood. Jamie's sister had gone into the army and served two tours in Iraq, the rest of her siblings had moved across the country, we all simply grew apart. Now, sadly, we were being slammed back together. I know with out a ounce of doubt that God himself put me in that hospital that night.
I don't actually recall how V got home that night, what he ate or did for days, from the moment I heard my friend say "we need you" I did not leave the hospital but for a moment to run home, shower and nap for a few hours during the night when we weren't allowed at Jamie's bedside.
Eventually the long weekend would end, I attempted to go to work on on what I can only assume was Tuesday. My boss, being the amazing man he was understood I needed a moment's distraction but would leave at a moments notice. And I did, after 3 or 4 days (what seemed like months) on life support, Jamie had failed the final test, she was legally, officially dead. Her soul no longer inhibited her body and they were going to take the machines off of her and allow her to go. My dear childhood friend called me pleading for me to return to the hospital (only that morning she pleaded with me to go to work it would be ok). Thank you Jesus the hospital was only minutes away.
I don't actually recall falling to the floor at work in tears (a coworker was so concerned she didn't want me to drive) or calling my mother-in-law to my side for support. I remember speeding to the hospital, parking and running as fast a my legs could carry me to the ICU where Jamie would pass.
The waiting room had been full, literally full of her friends and coworkers (Jamie was in the Army National Guard and had a VERY bright future ahead of her). It was only a matter of minutes after my return that it was official by the hospital's standards. Just when you don't think you can cry anymore it hurts like it's brand new.
I don't know how many days went by before I had to drive to my hometown (just a few hours away yet a lifetime since I have not returned there in almost a decade) for her funeral. The funeral home overflowed with people, Jamie was only 21 but it felt like the town had to shut down in order for everyone to observe her fair well. Hundreds of people gathered.

In the days, weeks and months that passed I began to asses my life more closely. V and I had wanted children but more on a "in a few years" timeline, maybe after we had a house etc. Until Jamie died. You see up until then I had only lost my grandfather, he was old and sick and it was his time, sure it hurt but not like this. No one expected Jamie to die. Suddenly my eyes were open to how brief our existence is, how little control we really have. Suddenly I wanted children now. I let my new feelings linger for a while, V and I had many talks to make sure I wasn't acting out of fear but true desire. V had always wanted children, since he's almost 10 years older than me it was always up to me and on my timeline when we had them. We agreed to wait until Christmas to start trying and we weren't going to tell anyone.

You changed my life forever Jamie, you are still so missed.

Making the most of my time!

This morning, for the first time in a really long time, my alarm didn't go off ( I forgot to set it last night) so when V's went off 1/2 hr later than I usually temp I took my temp and thought "does this really matter?" I thought about it on and off for most of the day, this cycle is shot... so what's the point of continuing to temp every morning? I came home after work and put my VIP Fertility Friend membership on hold and talked to V. We decided to just enjoy the next four weeks until my appointment in October. After that we'll have a game plan of what tests we need to do and that will tell us what treatments my dr will recommend and together we'll establish a plan. Then we can focus on our plan but right now those efforts are wasted and I can feel us both needing a break to just enjoy each other without the pressure of everything. I am so excited, I already feel even more relaxed. It feels like a breath of fresh air and weight off both V and I. No more waking up early, even on the weekends, to temp, no more scheduling intimate time, no more looking at my chart eleventy million times a day.

I'm also tossing around the idea of being more open about what V and I are facing with our friends/family. As of right now a very select few friends and family know about what we are going through (and my peeps on here). Perhaps after we know more, maybe after the testing when we have a plan. I know it will help others, but I also know that many won't be supportive and some will judge. Some will embrace our choice to get treatment others will probably go as far as to stop talking to us and start talking beyond our backs. Lots to pray about.

Right now I'm just excited to go back to my old workout routine, relaxing about our baby-making journey and enjoying this time with V.

I hope things are going good with you peeps!