April 30, 2010


I know I keep saying I'm going to take it one day at a time and then I freak out. What can I say? I'm only human.

But today I really am taking it just one day at a time. I actually thought to myself this afternoon "we need a miracle *sigh*" immediately followed by "NO WE DON'T! We need to keep our hope and faith!"

Despite the weirdness my body is going through I refuse to loose hope and give into fear.

So today I have hope and faith and nothing else matters.

April 28, 2010

What? What! What?!?!!? (raw)

Well that didn't go as expected!

I went to the dr office and saw the nurse who had me pee in a cup, I asked why I wasn't being given the blood test she seemed to insist on the day before and was told if the pee test was negative I would be given a blood test. Alright. And then pee test was in fact negative, just like I knew it would be. So my dr. and nurse decide that we aren't going to do the blood test at all. I was confused but thought "ok." Until I heard the following "we want to you wait another 4 weeks and if nothing happens call us" [insert WTF!?!?! going though my mind] nurse continues "and at that time we'll have you abstain from sex for 3 weeks and then we will test you again, if you still aren't pregnant we will give you a pill to start your period." [insert WTF!?!?! look on my face] I lost it and started to cry. That would be 4 months with no period, that can not be healthy!!! This whole process is so confusing and frustrating. And what bugs me most is they could have told me to take a home pee test and told me that info over the phone but instead I had to come in and pay GRR!
Just the day before I was lead to believe they wanted to run tests and find out what is going on and develop a plan. This does not feel like a plan this feels like I am standing still, left wondering. I feel like a sad little turtle, I feel stuck!! I did ok until my dr. made this comment "you ARE thin!" No I am NOT! I am healthy, I am 5'7 and 147 lbs, my BMI (body mass index) is well within the healthy and fit range!!!!!!! I work out moderately a few times a week and eat well I am NOT thin, she made me feel unhealthy and I did not like that one bit! I returned home and plopped back on the sofa to watch the news until V. returned home. I told him what I learned and wept a little. V. has more faith in this whole "wait and see" plan than I but I’m trying my best to hope that something can happen in the next 4 weeks, I really don’t want to abstain for 3 weeks!! V. really wants to give it a try, to spend the next 4 weeks really relaxing and see what happens.
I don't want to run to another dr because I don't think my dr is doing what I want her to do, I want to have full trust in her, I do like her but something feels wrong. I really feel like my body isn't doing what it needs to. I guess I’m willing to give this whole "wait and see" thing a go, HOWEVER, should the 7 weeks pass and they give me a pill to start my period and want to do this whole merry-go-round again I’m OUT of there!

April 27, 2010

Change of Pace

Yesterday morning I would have told you it felt like everything is crawling (in the baby making department) then I spoke to my dr.'s assistant about what is going on. After explaining to her that I haven't had so much as a single spot in 2 months and do not believe I am pregnant she proceeded to respond, oh so carefully but with a level of concern in her voice. She scheduled me for a blood pregnancy test at 4pm today and "if that comes back negative we will send you over for more testing." I could tell she was trying her best to be upbeat and gentle, clearly I'm not the first woman she's had this conversation with. I tried to remain calm and ingest all the info she gave me, despite the fact there wasn't much to ingest I was trying so hard to focus and not burst out crying on the phone. My emotions have been slightly unpredictable lately and the last thing I wanted to do was bawl to her.

And then I got off the phone, thank God my boss and all of my coworkers had left the office for the day cuz I let 'er rip for a minute. I'm afraid, afraid of the unknown...I have no clue where this road leads next and it suddenly feels like everything is moving at worp seed. Thankfully I have my best friend on IM almost constantly and she was there for me, as she always is, she is AMAZING and was able to be more level-headed than I in this moment. I am sure I sounded like hell when I called to tell my boss, he is such a great and understanding man, it's easy to tell him most things and in the past I have but this I am unwilling to share...at least for now. He clued into the fact that something was wrong earlier in the day and offered a ear should I need, I declined. Since I have to leave early and he'll be out of town I called him to let him know I would be "going in for a test tomorrow and need to leave 1 hr early". I cried which lead him to ask if V. would be going, I lied and said yes and reassured him it's not a big scary test and I will be fine I'm just being chicken. In reality V. will not being going with me, I'll be having a simple blood test, I'm sure that I won't find out the results immediately and won't be given a plan of action right then and there, I am a big girl and can handle a simple blood draw alone, at least this time. It occurs to me know that I could have texted the boss (in my work environment it's an acceptable form of communication).

I went home and V. was already there, preparing to mow the lawn. He knew I had called the dr on my lunch. As odd as it sounds I wanted to avoid him for a moment. He's been so excited, I hate that this is not the easy and fun route it gets to be for most (93%) people. I walked up to him right there in the yard and said "I spoke with my dr. and I have to go in for a blood pregnancy test tomorrow, if it's neg they are going to run more tests" with tears flowing from underneath my sunglasses. V. remained calm and said "we have nothing to worry about until we know what is going on." and hugged me. Perhaps mowing the lawn was the time he needed to digest what I had told him. I went inside and washed the remaining makeup from my face and changed into some comfy jeans and a t-shirt and plopped down on the couch, it wasn't long before I fell asleep, the roller coaster had drained me. I woke up long enough to eat and watch a show with V. and retreated to bed and the arms of my beloved.

So I am working away the hours, well I've taken a break to write here to you, if there is any one listening....oh lets face it this blog is for me, it's a sounding board for my roller coaster of emotions, it's a open journal and if someone stumbles upon it and reads so be it.

I have not lost all hope, and I will not allow myself to be defeated by fear. I know that God has this whole thing under his control. I know that he knows the desires of my heart and the desire V. and I both have to be parents. I have hope, faith & trust....I may be afraid but I will not fear.

April 26, 2010

I am so damn sad today (raw)

Please excuse the following wallow in self pity.

Today is cycle day 59 with nothing, not so much as a single spot. My cycles keep getting longer and longer (cycle 1=35 days, cycle 2=42, now I'm at 59 days). I'm really scared. Really scared. I'm so afraid my worst nightmare is coming true....can I have children? Heck not even childREN (plural), I will take just one....just one pregnancy, just one child....that is all I ask. I hate not knowing.

You might think I'm a jerk, after all we've only been trying 4 months. However when I was 17 I had wacky cycles (mostly really heavy periods), my doctor at the time was a wacko herself, but she told me I may have PCOS and put me on birth control to deal with my periods. I spent the last 10 years seeking out all the info in the world to convince myself I don't have it. Flash forward 10 years to December 2009: I saw my current doctor, she said she felt I probably didn't have it since I don't exhibit any symptoms (clearly since I had been on birth control for 10 years we didn't know about my cycles). Now here I sit after nearly 2 months without so much as a spot (not to mention that my last two cycles were moderate spotting at best, yes I spoke to the dr on this she said that was fine.)

Add to that, this morning I was checking my facebook and a dear friend is pregnant with baby #2 (baby #1 was conceived on their first cycle and is only 6 months old). I am a sad, useless mess!

Add to that I have "advice" coming at me from all sides and none of it is the same. I'm trying to hard to take this whole journey one day and one step at a time but I suck at it. I don't want to wait another 30 days to see if my period shows, what if that is what happens to me for the next year? So I'll have 4 chances this year of getting pregnant?!!? I just want to bawl my eyes out.

April 21, 2010

Our Trip to South Padre Island, TX

I've been dying to blog about this, unfortunately life is SUPER busy after being gone. So here i am finally blogging about our adventure. I must first say that I feel really blessed to have received this trip, the top sales performers in my company earn their way and then they all vote on the person that helps them out the most and I won. I work darn hard at my job, it's not glamorous, sometimes it's not fun, I don't always agree with the company and what it does or does not do but I come here everyday and do my best and it finally paid off!

It started with waking up at 3:40am to prepare for the first of 3 flights and 2 connections to the bottom of the country! My mother-in-law picked us up and brother-in-law watched our dog. It was so nice to know she would be well taken care of while we were gone! Thanks BRO! After 13 hours of travel we landed in Harlingen Airport and took an hour drive to the Sheraton on the island.
The first night we were there we had a fancy private dinner with everyone, it was so neat to meet everyone, they are all so friendly. While I work with some people (that won) from TX & OK a little I have never seen most of their faces. It was sweet, two or so of them actually said "I've really wanted to meet you!"

The next day we did a half day of bay fishing on a private charter boat despite the rain everyone (except me) fished, we caught 40 total! We had the rest of the afternoon to explore by ourselves, V. and I showered and headed out. We had dinner at a local place (nothing special) and picked up shirts for his mom and brother for doing us favors.

The next day was fancy lunch at the resort and a land and sea tour-we road this crazy truck/boat thing that could go right off the land into the water! We stopped to do some sea shell hunting, then returned to jet ski. Since I had never been on one I let V. drive, it was SO fun!! I giggled like a child the whole time, but the water was SO salty it hurt. We even got just a little sun! Half way through the guide had us stop and hang out and dolphins where there! Two came within 3 feet of V. and I, it was one of the neatest moments of my life! Oh how I wish we had a water proof camera! We returned to para sail! Which I totally loved!! V, was too afraid, as were several people, but I wanted to make sure I did everything and left there with no regrets!

That night we had another fancy dinner, this time with the execs. I forgot it was the "good bye" dinner with them and dressed a little too casually, whoops! It was another girl's birthday, they brought out a fancy cake and sang, it was sweet. Part of me was jealous because my bday was just days away but I let her have the lime light.

The third day V. and I got up early and explored the island, we went to a sea turtle refuge (I LOVE sea turtles and have since I interned at Disney) and did some more shopping. Then that afternoon we had our private snorkeling and tanning boat tour. I really enjoyed snorkeling and even saw some big fish...well big to me, like 24 inches. Most of them where grey with light blue stripes. I did end up a little sun burnt despite my best efforts but it was worth it! That night we had our last fancy dinner and a few of us went go-carting and walked around after, it was SO fun!!

Then the next morning we all went to the air port super early. It was bitter-sweet to say good-bye to everyone, they were all so sweet! 3 more flights, 2 more layovers and 14 hours later we where home and our little dogger was SO happy to see us! (I was able to read two books just on our travel time there and back!)

April 9, 2010

I deserved this!

I went out and got a manicure today!

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April 8, 2010

Ode to V.

I love V. Clearly right? I mean after all I married him, we've been together since 2005 roughly, wow 5 years, wow! He is my best friend and such a good man! So this post is dedicated to him, the love of my life.

V. and I were introduced by his mom at church, for the first time in my life I was unable to speak in front of a man. V. is very attractive to me but he's not a model, just a normal every day handsome man. He asked me, in a genuine way, if I was a personal trainer....I was in really good shape. I still remember what both of us were wearing but not what the sermon was about, whoops!

I gave him my number, but I ended up calling him (which I typically would not do, call a guy that is). We went to a park and walked around and chatted (me more than him, he's rather shy). We were both about a year out of rough relationships and just looking for friends. In fact a few weeks later he told me he wouldn't date me because he is 9 years old than I am. At the time I was fine with it. Little did I know we would be virtually inseparable from that time on. I love the way our relationship grew, it was so natural. We were friends, then best friends and now we are married best friends.

V. is one of the kindest men I have ever known! He would honestly do anything for anyone. He has a tender and compassionate heart for others and animals. He is shy which is cute. He's athletic and enjoys the outdoors. He loves "manly" things like hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, football, baseball and paintball. I'm lucky enough to also enjoy the hiking and camping the others....meh. V. accepts me wholeheartedly for who I am, all the things I've been through who make me..well me. He deals with my baggage with a soft touch, and is there to grow with me while I am still learning how to deal with new experiences etc. He is really funny and always makes me laugh even when I want to be crabby! No he is not always "perfect" but he tries really hard to work on our relationship together and makes an effort to care about the things I care about. He apologizes when he's wrong, most of the time and deals with me when I'm being irrational (which almost never happens *wink*).

I thought the day he proposed to me was the best day of my life, then I thought the day we married was, then I thought after we made it through some rough stuff was but really each day with V. is one of the best of my life, yes even when we fight/agrue/yell/cry at or to each other. Because he's my soul mate and I'm lucky to have him any day!

All in all V. is an incredible man and I'm blessed to be married to him. I used to tease him before we got engaged that he should get the move on because God promised me 45 years with him (which would make V. 79 on our 45th anniversary). I'm really looking forward to the next 43 years and all that God has planned for us!

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April 5, 2010

I had no idea this would hurt so much

I took my test this morning before work. Perhaps that is why I tossed and turned all night. I feel like I hardly slept. I didn't even want to test, I was enjoying the hope I clung to. This was the first month I really hoped Aunt Flow wouldn't come. The first two months I was scared she wouldn't and prayed for her arrival, I'd stare at the calendar almost pleading for her arrival. At my best guess of when she "should" arrive I am about 4 days late this morning with no signs of her. So I tested, deciding to give into all my hope I even used an expensive test. It was negative almost immediately. I jumped in the shower, trying not to make "eye" contact with it, clinging even harder to my last ounce of hope. When I got out there it was, a single line. Good grief it hurt! I put in gently in the trash and went about getting ready for the day somberly. I even had a few moments alone in the living room, just me and the morning news before my dearly loved hubby arose. I felt sorta numb and didn't know how to tell him. I must be honest in saying I didn't tell him I was going to test, he knew I would by the end of the week but this time he didn't pressure me to. Perhaps he was clinging to the same hope. I got dressed and headed back to the bathroom to finish straightening my hair in my normal routine, he came in to brush his teeth. I glanced at him and meekly said "so I tested...." He could tell right away. He is such a strong guy, he rubbed my back, saying "we haven't been trying that long, it will happen." He could see I was starting to cry, as I am now. I'm so thankful that he totally gets me and can be there for me without making some big speech.

It's been sorta a hard day, I even procrastinated telling my best friend. I love her and tell her EVERYTHING, but saying it made it more real. She understood my sadness and supported me, even though I blurted it out (on instant messenger) when she was telling me about something. I still sorta feel like a jerk, so self centered. Thank the Lord she is so understanding!

I have not lost all hope, it does not matter to me if our baby is born in 2011, this sadness will pass. V. and E. are right, we haven't been trying all that long, I guess I got my hopes up about a Christmas baby. I keep tearing up.....sigh.....

April 2, 2010

A song I love & don't agree with.....

The following is a small piece of a song I heard this morning that I find rather catchy:

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin, I just prayed to a God I don't believe in, cuz I got time while she got freedom, when a heart breaks, no it don't break even....what am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you, what am I supposed to say when I'm all chocked up and your ok, I'm falling to pieces (repeat) when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

I'm torn. I like it, I really like it and I find it really catchy, however, I do not agree it a portion of it. "I just prayed to a God I don't believe in". I don't know what to do with that. My mind wonders wildly trying to make sense of and interpret it.

Mostly I think to myself, "how does that work?!" Allow me to explain: my dog, say I don't believe in her yet I talk to her, let her out for a tinkle and feed her. It makes no sense! The mere fact that I spoke to her states that I do in fact believe in her! I get that they are lyrics but music is such a big part of my life, songs lead me to memories of different times (past, present and thoughts of the future) and I have to believe for the writers and other listeners have significant meanings as well!

I'm still perplexed. Let me state that it is not because of my faith, although I can't imagine living my life thinking God does not exist. I've been through some really bad times, and hard years and when I review them, and the mere fact that I lived through them, it is hard evidence for me that God does indeed exist presently in each of our lives. Allow me a moment to step off my soapbox.

Ok. I've been through some crazy bad breakups, I am guessing that is what this guy (the singer) is taking about. Perhaps he is so broken/sad he is questioning all he knows to be true, and in a moment of frustration he doubted his faith (or lack thereof) and cried out or prayed. Hmmm... I sort of wish I could speak to the writer of this song and ask him/her what they meant. Or maybe they wanted it to be thought provoking!!! Hmm!

What do you think?

April 1, 2010

Phantom Symptoms

Well this month I have the widest yet of "phantom symptoms" meaning they may just all be in my head. I am exhausted, utterly exhausted. I feel barfy and my head really hurts, add to that my sense of smell being through the roof (this is standard for me) and yep I have yet again convinced myself I'm pregnant. Aunt flow is "scheduled" to arrive on Saturday and I'm hoping I can hold out and test on Wednesday or Friday but we all know how great I am at waiting....yes I suck at it. I still feel hopeful, then again I have every month until I take the stupid pee test and the one line reminds me that no, there is in deed no little baby in your uterus. It hurts, I didn't know I would be so saddened by the sight of the single line but I hate it. I want so much to see that second line and have my heart (and eyes) overflow, to have the hopes and dreams of a little one burst into reality. I want to run screaming from the bathroom to V. and yell "you are gonna be a DADDY!" Now I do not want to take a test at all, I still want to put my head on my desk and give in to the exhaustion I feel, but I don't want to loose this hopeful feeling I have going on. I don't want the sadness to come and the waiting to continue.
Please Lord, if it is your will, please-please-please let the next test I take be positive.