February 26, 2010

My first Barlow Girl Concert

Will certainly not be my last!! Before last night I knew very little about them, after last night I will always be a maga-fan! Not only are they 3 amazingly talented sisters (each played no less than two instruments during the concert), who are beautiful and clearly intelligent but they have such an amazing love for the Lord!
They shared so much truth that spoke to me and touched my heart in a really peaceful way. I long to share what they did but fear I will butcher it horribly but here goes.

Alyssa spoke about vines in vineyard. Apparently there are only two kinds: one is watered constantly and will produce fruit for 2-3 years at most before it's completely useless and must be torn up and burned. The other is rarely watered which causes it great stress and leads it to dig in deep to the ground and seek natural waters, this vine will produce fruit for about 9 years. Not only that it is the highest quality fruit. Later she spoke about how she was diagnosed, at 18, with a rare disease (the name of which I can not recall) and the doctors told her that within a year she would not be able to walk and the pain would be so bad that she would certainly be addicted to pain pills. Alyssa got up everyday in excruciating pain, and choose to walk and press into the Lord. She said she "never got offended" that he didn't immediately answer her prayers and cries for healing. She just got up everyday and pressed into the Lord. And one year to the day she was completely healed. The doctors can't explain it, but really what doctor can explain a miracle? She spoke about "what would have happened if I had gotten offended at day 364 that the Lord had not answered my prayers?".

I found Alyssa's story amazing, but nothing is too amazing for my Lord! This is standard for him! If we remain in him, pressing in, believing and walking the path he has laid out, no matter how hard, we will eventually reach that natural water that is him and he will answer us! Don't get me wrong here, I do not believe that the Lord will always answer us the way we would choose but I do believe that he always answers us, if we allow him his time.

I am so moved but in a really peaceful way! I can totally see that the Lord is speaking to me through this. I felt I the Lord tell me to walk this path (about the baby stuff) and he will provide me with the desires of my heart in HIS time. WOW! OK Lord, your will, you clearly know the desires of my heart. I will walk your path, dig in deeper and wait on your ways. I love you Jesus!

February 24, 2010

Fears and Hope

When V. and I agreed to get off birth control I had a few fears, here are the rational ones:
1. I would gain tons of weight (tons defined as above 15)
2. my face would become one large zit or worse just be completely covered in them
3. I would be a hormonal mess
4. My migraines would take over and be MUCH more frequent
5. that my period would never come back

So far most of my fears have not transpired into reality. I have not yet gained any weight (I gained a few pounds over the holidays but got rid of them fairly quickly so I don't count them). I have had a few zits here and there, they are bigger than they used to be, and more painful but they are not as bad as I worried. Hormones, I have them that is for use but they are not as bad as I worried. I would say I'm a bit more sensitive but I am by far happier and ah...well my desire has increased let's just say that ;) I am beyond happy to report that I have not had a single migraine since ending my birth control, I always believed the birth control caused them! And my period....well I haven't seen her yet this month. Yes I am a bit concerned but my doctor and her assistant say it is fine so I refuse to freak out.

Fear and lies are the only tool the devil has, he will make good use of them to hold us hostage if we let him. I refuse (REFUSE) to give up hope and be trapped by my fear.

I won't lie, some days I have little hope in my heart (concerning this whole baby thing). I get down and sad and I worry. But the truth is I have nothing to worry about yet, it can take months for my body to figure this whole thing out. Why should I expect her to understand overnight what I want her to do after a decade of birth control? Even on the worst days I still have some hope, and I cling to it. Right now that is all I need, some hope, just enough to get me by on the bad days because on the good days I am absolutely full of hope! Today is a good day!

February 23, 2010

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was so down in the dumps, grumpy and just overall bummed out. ~Whew~ what a difference a day makes! Today I’m all sunshine and rainbows! I’m beginning to see why I get like that though. I get overwhelmed easier than I used to. A few years ago I worked at least 2 full-time or nearly full-time jobs (to put myself through school full time) and held at least one volunteer position, and had a boyfriend. I could go and go and be just fine, I was like the female, early twenties energizer Bunny! I didn’t have time to get overwhelmed, if I thought about how much I had to do, well I probably would have completely freaked out (I already had serious insomnia). These days I work one full time job, I finished my degree, don’t volunteer anywhere and have a husband I everyday (although being married should count as a full time job, LOL). I work out 3 times a week and have plenty of time to spend with girl friends etc. Throw in studying to become a personal trainer, church once a week and small group (also once a week). Add a little (well A LOT) of my planner mentality and tendency to be somewhat of a neat freak….and the vicious cycle begins. I feel like I’m always running, trying to keep up with a million different things. I want to make dinner every night, spend time with my husband, have some me time and workout and study and, and, and…..there just aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all.

I must learn to chill out. But do you know how stressful it can be to constantly try to not stress out? It’s a vicious cycle. I try to remind myself “Will this matter in 5 years? If not: CHILL!” But that is often easier said than done.
Another thing I need to get better at is allowing myself some me time. I rarely do this. I used to make myself a priority at least for a few minutes every few days if not most days, but that is easy when you are single and live alone. It’s easy to shut out the world for 10 minutes. Not so much when you feel the need to cook dinner every night, clean up the house, to work out and study and oh yeah that guy you married-spend time with him. The days feel shorter and shorter with each breath.
Changes need to be made, but how? Set achievable Goals!
Goal 1:
Look through cook books (each weekend), preplan week’s worth of meals, make grocery list
Goal 2:
Learn recipes to make at least one meal a week in crock pot (get grocery during bi-weekly trip to grocery store)
Sub-goal: purchase more items that can be easily made/quick meals (healthy too)
Goal 3:
Write out weekly time line that includes dedicated: workouts, study time, me time, date night.
Goal 4:
Make weekly chore list (share chores with husband as to not overwhelm self)
Goal 5:
Take some time to stop and smell the flowers, remember life is short.

February 18, 2010

I never win anything

Or I should say I have never won anything until recently. Yesterday it was announced that I am the lucky winner of a all expense paid trip for two to South Padre Island, TX. My company gives away trips every year to the highest sales performers and the "Sales Support Person of the Year". All the sales reps vote on who is the support person of the year. Last year I got second to a very deserving person and I thought the same would happen this year but it didn't!
I don't know anything about South Padre Island other than what I have googled so far but I'm excited!! V. is making ground, it's kinda set in his ways but he's coming around. He is really excited for me, this recognition is so special to me!
So in about 7 weeks we'll be laying on the beach, or snorkeling, or deep sea fishing with about 20ish people from my company on the company's dollar. I'll try and take some pics to post for you to see!

I'm not Catholic however.....

However, every year during lent I try to give something up at least temporarily. I only do it during lent because that is when I remember. It's mostly out of sport and to test my personal willpower, or lack there of.

This year I had a difficult time picking something to give up. I eat fairly healthy so I really didn't want to give up anything food based, though it probably isn't a bad idea. So the first day or so of lent have come and gone but I discovered what I'm giving up!

I'm giving up my bad attitude!!! I'm not a downer of a person or a pessimist in general (I don't think) but I do complain and maybe too much. So for the next 40 days or so I am going to work my hardest to try and see everything (I mean EVERYTHING) is the most positive, up beat way possible. I'm going to spin things in a sunny light and watch them shine! I think this will be every good for me, and maybe those around me. After all what good does whining about work etc really do? I know I will have moments, perhaps even days where I fail at this but I am going to work hard at not giving up. Who knows maybe it will be a lifestyle change and I'll be even more naturally happy!!! (I think I just heard someone barf at the thought of me being happier, whoops LOL).

And really maybe this will help with with our journey to having a baby. If I am just super upbeat for the next month or so and I don't focus on the stress that this whole journey can cause then maybe...well it will just overall help. I know so many people who are like "yeah, we just stopped worrying about it and it happened."

So here goes no more wasting time being grumpy over petty things, I will frame the following 40 days with the words "Will this matter in 5 years, if not then I'm letting it go."

February 15, 2010

Valentine's Day

I think it's fair to say that in my dating days I experienced the full range of Valentine's Days. I got roses delivered to me across the country, I got dumped, I've been surprised and I've been alone. They all pale in comparison to the Valentine's Days I've had with my husband!

I recall the first Valentine's Day we had, it must have been 2006 and we were kinda dating (a story for another day). I lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment while finishing college, I awoke early to prepare for classes and whatnot. Living in the Northwest it was a priority to start my car before driving to campus, I opened my front door and there was a very pretty little package. The first thought in my head "oh someone got the wrong door, sad." I laugh now, but then V. and I weren't official so I was honestly not expecting anything. Then it occurred to me to check the card, just in case. IT WAS FOR ME!!! Even now I tear up! V. proclaimed his "like" for me and told me that he needed to take things slowly but he cared for me, as more than just friends. *swoon* I still have the pretty brown box, candles and card....he also got me potpourri but 4 years later it was no longer pretty or pretty smelling.

Flash to 2010! On Feb 12Th I surprised V. with a living room picnic (I stopped and got yummy pizza, salad and root beers and candle sticks on my way home) and we watched the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. He loved it! We arranged our weekend so we could spend the 14Th just us, being lazy or whatever hit our fancy. We slept in, ate a yummy breakfast and exchanged cards. Poor V.!!! He got me the exact same card as last year, which might have been less funny if I didn't keep all my cards from him. We both had quite the giggle. For the most part we stayed home and just lounged, napped, watched the Olympics and played with our dogger. It was quiet the reality check when the alarm went off today, but our Valentine's Day was perfect!!!

February 11, 2010

An Additional Piece of Sanity

Yesterday I caved and called my doctor and got a call back from her assistant, we'll call her K. (I just realized I will eventually run out of letters...hmmm....anyway). I started to become concerned that I had such a light period, and I don't think I'm going to be one of those lucky 28 day cycle girls. I'm not "stressing" over this whole thing, it's just that it's new and I don't know what to expect from my body. I was 16 when I had my last period that was not brought on by birth control. That was a decade ago! And I have no reference point of what my bioogical mothers cycles were like since we haven't spoken in over a decade. (That is a story for another time.)
So I called and left a message for K. She, by the way, is so very sweet and my age which is nice. Every time I talk to her I feel like I am talking to an old girl friend, which makes my appointments and questions so much more comfortable. I am thankful for her! She called me back promptly and answered my questions thoroughly and was very reassuring. I love that she reminded me that stressing out will not help me get pregnant, this should be a fun experience. I feel much better and a little silly.

February 9, 2010

Welcome Back Sanity, Won't You Stay a While?

Thank you Lord! I feel sane and much like myself again! I'm not sure what caused last weeks hiccup, but I'm so happy to back to me. I've had several good quality sweat seasons at the gym along with plenty of alone time and time with my wonderful V. over the course of the weekend and it feels like a big exhale. ~whew~

I'm sure by now all the birth control chemicals are out of my system and that my body is starting to figure things out for herself. I'm really looking forward to this journey, even though I'm not sure what the road a head looks like. I need to pray more about it. To me there is a fine line between seeking God's will and praying for your own. I know we are supposed to lift up our petitions to God but at the same time I truly want his will to pour over my little family to be. I want his timing. You would think this would make it easier for me but I'm still a person and I very much desire a baby. I can't wait to be pregnant! I look forward to telling V. he will be a daddy! I daydream about finding out our babies gender, decorating the baby's room, picking out names and finally holding him/her in my arms. I just don't know how to ask God for his will and timing when my timing is now, asap, yesterday even.

Part of me wishes I could talk to more friends about this whole journey, and be more surrounded in prayer. But the other half of me is thankful I don't have people constantly asking me how it's going and assuming the smallest thing means I'm pregnant. I could not handle that pressure. I find it terribly ironic that when we were trying not to get pregnant I would always (as in almost every month) think for sure I was pregnant. Now I can totally tell I am not. What a funny twist of fate. I hate those darn negative tests! V. gets excited and suggests that I take one and his optimism blinds me for a moment. Then there it is staring me dead in the face. I'm supposed to test on Monday of next week....I am not looking forward to it.

February 5, 2010

What Is Up with Me Today? (raw)

I feel so off, so blah, so not me today and I am driving myself nuts! I feel just down and sad but not super sad (I'm not going to cry or anything). And I feel chubby, I am by no means chubby! I guess it could be hormones (as in here comes aunt flow) but God only knows since I only spotted last month I have no idea when she is "scheduled" to come. It's so strange to not know what to expect from your body. I really don't enjoy it, the longer I feel confused the more I'm considering starting to chart my temps etc like the women on thebump.com talk about. But then again I wouldn't even know what day I'm on to start or where I am really at. UGH! Please Lord bring my period so I could have a moments peace in my wondering mind!

This whole TTC (trying to conceive) thing is not what I thought it would be. It's not easy, even so early in. I hate admitting that it's hard to hear when a friend announces they are pregnant, to see ultrasounds and attend baby showers even when I am genuinely happy for that person. I want to be that person, I want to say "look world V. and I made a baby! We are going to be a family!" Just writing that makes me tear up! I'm not a selfish horrible person but I want this, so much. I guess I'm used to being in control and this is so far beyond my control and it's hard to deal with. Teaching me a lesson here, are we God? I get it, Love is patient.

I don't know what to do next. If I don't get something more like a real (red flow) period I am calling my doctor. Even if she says "it's normal, wait longer" at least there will be comfort in knowing her professional opinion. She asked me to wait 90 from my visit with her to call if nothing happened (period wise). Glancing at my calendar that would be, March 9Th. Hmmm maybe I need to cool down a tad. I think that was just the reality check I needed, the 90 day mark is over a month away. Thanks Lord, you always seem to know what I need when I need it, funny how that works.

Some "Raw" posts

I have decided I will start writing some more "raw" posts. I define raw as what I am deeply feeling, and less of what I feel edited for whatever reason. I hope you like them and enjoy being on this journey with me but if not there is the door, don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

February 2, 2010

Bumble Bees, Oh How I Love Thee!

V. and I were out shopping for baby shower gifts on Sunday and I came across something we just had to have for our own little someday baby! When I day dream about us having a baby it's a girl, at least currently, the gender seems to change every month or so. But right now it's a little girl, the gender in my day dreams probably has something to do with the baby girl's name that V. picked out and I fell in love with. :) Anyway, we were at my favorite clothing place (Old Navy) looking through all the boy clothes, their selection seemed especially slim for new-borns. Or maybe it's that I have had 11 pregnant friends in the last year, most of which had had their children by now, only 2 had girls! Perhaps I am burnt out on buying boy clothes, and maybe another reason I envision V. and I with a little girl? V. found interest in some rather cute items and presented them to me, together we assembled quite the adorable outfit!! Then my eyes start to wander and I found myself ohing and awing at some rather cute and tiny items. I don't know why but I love bumble bees when related to baby things and of course I find the only little girl bodysuit with a bumble bee on it. In fact it has this cute little bee and underneath it says "Happy", get it? Bee Happy! SSSSOOOOO Cute!!! I had to have it. I presented it to V. and giggled saying "We need this!" V. looked puzzled knowing A.) We are not yet pregnant B.) I am the frugal one with a strict definition of the word "need". I could sense that he could not resist the smile on my face! As I promised to put it in the hope chest from my youth, he agreed it was ok to purchase it, SCORE! He is such a sweet man, I do love V. I can't wait to make him a Daddy. Please God don't make us wait long.